The Dells

We originally headed out to a shooting range with the intent of doing some target practice. It is the only range that doesn't demand a pricey club membership, that we know of. It took about 45 minutes to get there, and we never would have found it without the GPS. Anyway, being the 4th, and the fact that people were off work (I'm guessing) meant the much smaller than we imagined range was busy.

We decided to drive on to the Dells, since we were halfway there. It was nice, not too crowded. It was warm but not humid. My daughter in Indiana had sent me a gift certificate for my birthday, so I used it to buy myself a ring. We walked around a bit, looked in the souvenir shops, and ate lunch at the High Rock Cafe. My younger daughter, the one who passed, and I ate there last October, when she and I drove to the Dells and to visit the old family cottage. Hubby and I also ate there when he saw the Dells for the first time, sometime after I told him about my daughter and I going there. It used to be called "The Upper Crust", and there was a gift shop downstairs.

I managed to get through most of the day without crying, at least not when hubby could see me. My soul refuses to be happy. I guess you can say I am dwelling in the past. My heart cannot just move forward, not yet. I am wallowing in self-pity, I guess. I still slip into disbelief..."Did I really find her that way? How could that be? She was only 41. It's not possible." But yet I know it happened, and a deep sadness crushes me.

My daughter in Indiana suggested I find some diversions, something to do. I tried the library but I was swamped with painful memories. Everywhere here are memories. The Walmart where she worked, Pike Lake trails, the library, her apartment on the corner. Everything rears up and glares in my face and says, "She was here and now she is dead."

I imagine someday when I am very old I will get dementia and I will see a young woman who looks like my daughter and I will think it is her, and since she would be working in a nursing home it would be her duty to go along with an old woman's delusion and let herself be my daughter for awhile. Right now common sense and a clear mind won't let me play those games. I guess eventually I will learn how to live again, without her.

Tomorrow a former co-worker of my daughter's is picking me up and we will go eat lunch somewhere. I do better when I am with people.