Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Time Stands Still, Yet I Function

That sinking feeling...every time I drive by her apartment, every time I see her car still parked there. My heart hurts again. Sometimes my chest tightens up and I need to remind myself to breathe. Sometimes tears flood down, just for a bit, until I can get out a tissue and take a deep breath.

My mind is stuck in the time when she was alive. In my mind I "see" her meeting me at her back door. I hand her something or she hands something to me. I can remember it like it was yesterday. Her back door faced the corner, where the deer come out to feed and the fireflies dance. She could lock the screen door and keep her inside door open, during the day. Sometimes we would walk back and forth between our two apartments because she was moving stuff over from when she lived here with us.

Or when I go downstairs to the basement I can "see" her when she tripped and fell on her knee. Thankfully it was only the last 3 steps and she wasn't hurt bad. When I shop at Walmart I feel the loss every moment I'm there. So many times I would see her there when I shopped, or hubby and I shopped. We would buy her something to drink and invite her to come over after work. She and I would always end up laughing about something. My mind can "see" her driving past our apartment on her way home, or walking over to visit. I "see" her meeting me out at her car because we are going somewhere together. Every place we went together brings me pain.

I am forgetful. I worry myself when I drive, because my mind keeps wandering off and I find myself staring at the road mindlessly. I better restrict my driving for awhile. I keep eating chocolate but it doesn't kill the pain.

Shopping for flowers. We did that a lot, together, at Walmart, at ACE Hardware, at Stein's Garden Center, at Home Depot. I went to ACE again yesterday, and I could "hear" her in my mind again, like I did before, commenting on the flowers.

I have figured out that my heart is not ready to move forward. I am still dwelling in the past. I'm pretty good around people. They cheer me up. I can talk and even laugh. If it wasn't for the awful summer heat and humidity I would talk to hubby about moving back to Indiana to be closer to my older daughter.

1 comment:

A :-) said...

Candy, I think that everything you are going through is part of the grief process. I encourage you to find a therapist there that you can talk to and who can help you navigate this journey.