Friday, October 6, 2017

A Poem

Yesterday I wrote a poem, placed it on a stock photo from my graphics program, and shared it. In case I ever need evidence that I wrote it, here is the poem, written by me.

Cloudy days and Autumn leaves
Take me back in time
I imagine we are walking,
Laughing all the time
Let me stay here in denial
And pretend you are alive
I'll be OK, I need to dream
Just for a little while.

Remembering Christine by Candy (Last name)

Apparently it has touched a lot of hearts in the grief support group I belong to, and people are asking to share it. I said yes, just give me credit.


Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Staying Here for Now

The job in Ixonia was bad. 13 hours, thirteen on a dusty roof in the sun with NO BREAK and NO LUNCH. (He did have water with him)

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

A Few Updates

I've been spending most of my time on Facebook. I guess the one thing I like about a blog is that I can actually go back and find the posts, whereas things tend to "disappear" over time on Facebook.. Today I will give you some updates.

I got my new Lithops in the mail. They came bare root. They also came with names! Left to right: Lithops Lesliei Albinicia, Lithops fulviceps aurea, and Lithops julii fulleri


Here they are potted up.

Lithops fulviceps aurea and Lithops Lesliei Albinicia

 Lithops julii fulleri

I also found the names of my other Lithops. The reddish brown ones are Lithops bromfieldii and the gray-green one to the far right is Lithops salicola.

So now onto other news. I have been giving away my duplicates in anticipation of winter. I have made three new collectors happy with a modest gift to each. My winter plans were the same as last year, the inside plants stay inside and the outside plants go into the basement. However, this might need to change.

My hubby has been job searching for some time because the company he works for pays low. The problem is Hartford is a metal fabricating town, and my hubby has no experience with metals, or machine shops. The other problem is companies are not willing to train. He could have picked up one of two other types of work, but neither offered benefits nor enough overtime to compensate for the only slightly higher wages with no benefits.

As it turned out, one of my hubby's friends from work found a job in another town, about an hour away, with good pay, benefits and overtime, and they guy is still hiring. The boss offered to let my hubby work for him on his days off from his current job, to make sure he likes it. If all goes well, then I think we will be moving to Watertown. 

Watertown is bigger than Hartford, about the same as West Bend. I'm not attached to Hartford, but I'm settled. I have a decent neighbor and some plants in pots outside which I was planning to winter over in the well-lit basement. We were planning to stay here until next year and then buy a condo in Hartford. With the new, pending plans, I probably won't have a place to overwinter the outside plants, meaning I will need to AGAIN leave collections behind, or re-home them. 

I have been looking at apartments online. Ixonia (where the job is located) has three complexes with no vacancies. Of course, that could change. Two of them look nice, but when there are no vacancies, there are often no prices posted. Watertown is eight miles west and has quite a few apartments and a portion of them look nice, but very few have patios or balconies. 

So, I guess the best thing to do is try not to get stressed and start packing. Besides, how could I miss out living in a place named Watertown (even though there are a dozen Watertowns in the US), or even Ixonia.



Bruce Hornsby, The Range ~ "Every Little Kiss" 

"Way out here, working on the docks
Everyone sees the long day through
Well, what would I do without the nights and the phone
And the chance just to talk to you

Whoa, what would I do now
Hey, just to talk to you
A thousand miles away, hey hey

What I wouldn't give for only one night
A little relief in sight
Someday when times weren't so tight

When the day goes down on water town
When the sun sinks low all around
That's when I know I, I need you now
Yes, you're what I miss, every little kiss
Every little one, every little one

Everybody here's a number, not a name
But I guess it's all right with me
As I sit alone, after a long day
In the absence of company

Whoa, I let my mind wander
A thousand miles away hey hey

What I wouldn't give for only one night
A little relief in sight
Someday when times weren't so tight

When the day goes down on water town
When the sun sinks low all around
That's when I know I, I need you now
Yes, you're what I miss, every little kiss
Every little one, every little one

What I wouldn't give for only one night
A little relief in sight
Someday when times weren't so tight
When the day goes down on water town
When the sun sinks low all around
That's when I know I, I need you now
Yes you're what I miss, every little kiss
Every little one, every little one

What I wouldn't give for only one night
A little relief in sight
Someday when times weren't so tight

When the day goes down on water town
When the sun sinks low all around
That's when I know I, I need you now
Yes, you're what I miss, every little kiss
Every little one, every little one."

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Succulents

My plants are good therapy for me. I have collected a few more Haworthia and just ordered 3 new Lithops. In case you aren't familiar with them, here are some pictures and links. In my last post I showed you my two new Haworthia that I bought at Aldi. Here are all my Haworthia plants together.


And I promised a picture showing the windows on the leaves. This is Haworthia "Grey Ghost".

I also enjoy Mimicry plants. Here are my Living Stones (Lithops) and two others, Titanopsis calcareum and Aloinopsis luckhoffii


A closer view of the red Lithops, with gathered pebbles from Lake Michigan

Here are some Lithops I lost a few years ago. I made the mistake of watering them. Some people do water them, but it must be at the right time and they must be in super fast draining soil. The green one with the circle around it is one I just ordered online, because I love the green and always wanted it back. The Lithops in the clay pot lived for several years and multiplied into 4 bodies with just an occasional misting. They died when I watered them.

Update on the succulents next time.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Things Are Getting Easier

Finally I feel like I can live again. My daughter's death certificate should be released soon, if not today. I might have it in hand by next week.

I've been playing with my plants and taking walks with hubby on his days off. The other day we took our neighbors for ice cream. They live across the hall from us. We had a nice time.

We still dream of buying a house. It may be an impossible dream. Prices keep escalating.

Not a lot to write about right now.

Monday, August 14, 2017

A Boat on Denial

It worked as a form of relief, until I "fell off", then I felt like I was drowning. Last night was bad. Today at Walmart was bad. I kept imagining my daughter there, I could "see" her in my mind. I panicked. I held back tears and hurried to finish shopping. It's hard to drive with tears running down your face. My trigger today was probably a sky full of beautiful clouds. She would have been taking pictures.

I made it home, brought in the groceries and washed my eyes. Then I went to Aldi. It's easier there, because she and I were only there together once or twice. And they had mini succulents. My drug. I bought two Haworthia.

The bottom one has "windows" on its leaves, which are clear, to allow light inside the leaf. I will try to get a better picture.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Still Here, Still Hard

I haven't been writing much, because, well, how many times can I write about grief. No, I'm not "over it", but coping is beginning to happen more often. There are too many memories here, at this apartment complex. Have no idea when we will be able to move. I'm trying to keep busy. It doesn't always work.

The sun is noticeably changing position in the sky. August...mid summer, soon to be late summer, then fall. I love the change of seasons, yet the changes make me emotional, and vulnerable. With my daughter gone and my hubby working 12 hour shifts, that leaves me a lot of alone time to sulk, eat and otherwise sabotage my health. I spend a lot of time online, talking to people, friends, relatives, the succulent group, but then I'm just sitting. I don't like to walk alone. It would be nice to have a dog to walk. Nothing really good is happening here at this apartment complex. Too many memories.

My husband helps all he can. He takes me places, we talk, he tries to keep me positive. He hugs me when I cry and acknowledges how hard it is. It's not easy consoling a mother who has lost a child. It is a non-fixable, painful, sometimes debilitating situation. I am happy to report that when hubby and I are together, I am for the most part cheerful, and for that we are very grateful. I could never ask for a more loving and understanding man.

Each time we visited my daughter's grave I found it incredulous that I was standing there talking to the ground. "Why am I talking to the dirt? My daughter should be standing her talking to us!" I cried. Hubby said, "I know, I know, it's not right." We set flowers in metal holders and added bottled water. Hubby weeded the bare earth (do they even put down grass seed? I paid for perpetual care). I looked around the cemetery, knowing full well it was impossible, but hoping to see my daughter walking somewhere.

Sometimes when things become bad I write in the online grief support group I joined. I always receive support, answers, and suggestions to cope. One of the questions in the support group was, "Do you have a grief counselor?" The answers were surprising. Quite a few said yes. Some said they had been getting counseling and medication for years. Others said they tried but couldn't find a counselor who understood them. "Only someone who has lost a child can understand the scope of grief of someone who has lost a child." Others said they tried medication and had bad side effects, so they stopped taking it. Others said no counseling and no medication.

One day I started playing a mind game with myself. I decided to pretend that my daughter is still alive and just away, and that's why I haven't heard from her. I started to feel better, but then I began to worry about my state of mind. So I posted on the group:

"Does anyone go into denial, I mean, on purpose, just to be able to get through the day without feeling so horribly sad, crushed, soul shattered? Sometimes I pretend my daughter is just far away, back in Australia or something and that's why I don't hear from her. I know it's not true."

I've gotten 50 answers, 95% saying, yes, as a coping method, denial gives them a break from the pain, and in fact, going in an out of denial was mentioned by several as an approved way to cope from their experiences in support groups.

So, denial it is. On a boat on denial, it's more than a river in Africa.