Tuesday, November 14, 2017

My Broken Life

Some days I think I have it "together", other days I cry. Mostly it just sucks to be me and I put on a happy face for people who love me. At times I would like to think that my daughter is aware of me and other times I think it's better if she just sleeps until the Resurrection, because what daughter would want to know that their death broke their mother?

Last night my hubby went to visit his friends and stop by the store. I forgot I set my phone to vibrate and then I forgot it on the end table and didn't hear him call me SEVEN TIMES. He came home frantic, and angry because he was frantically worried. He forgave me, of course, and I felt really bad for putting him through that.

I had one good day this week so far. I happily cleaned and cooked. Friday and this weekend will be good. Hubby is off Friday and my older daughter and her hubby's kids are driving up for the weekend. My hubby and her hubby both have mandatory overtime on Saturday, so my daughter's hubby is driving up after work. We are having an early Thanksgiving dinner Saturday night, and leftovers on Sunday, before they need to return home.

It has been mentioned to me about getting counselling. I can find nothing in my Medicare benefits about that, except for Hospice, or for being hospitalized. There is a psychologist in town, a man. What is a man going to know about a mother loosing a child? Only a mother who has lost a child can understand a mother who has lost a child. Hold your breath. Unless you are a mother who has lost a child, you wouldn't understand. Period. Besides, I'm pretty sure my benefits won't cover it.

In spite of it all, yesterday I got a few things done, and I plan to get off the computer and get more done today. I have the rest of today plus 2 more days to get ready for company. They will be very welcome. I laugh a lot with them, me and hubby, both.

Tomorrow is supposed to be nice. My neighbor across the hall and I hope to go for a walk.

Hubby's work is going well. Did I mention he got a raise? He's also training to be an Operator! The other day the big boss did a surprise safety check inspection, and my hubby got "caught" with a perfectly clean, safe and well-maintained work area. The boss gave him an "atta boy" and shook his had, wrote him up as GOOD. Everyone else in the room had stuff like pop cans and tools strewn around and out of place, so they all got written up as BAD. Sometimes it pays to be slightly OCD.

Ok, it's time for me to get some stuff done, and I'm feeling better.

Sunday, November 5, 2017


Before I got on facebook I used to keep in touch with my friends through email (who would have thought!!) Anyway, once in awhile I would write a "Stuff" email, just a conglomerate of whatever was going on. Stuff sounds good for today.

I'm backing up my computer, so I'm typing on a straight keyboard. My hands hurt already. I like hubby's computer. It has a big monitor. We are going to share it for awhile. I can always plug in my ergonomic keyboard.

We are having another run of gloomy weather. Last night, about 6:30, we were bored and decided to go shopping at Meijers in West Bend. Suddenly we found ourselves in fog. It was an adventure. I was keeping an eye out for deer. We made it there and back home safely.

I like shopping with my hubby. We have fun, unlike when I shop alone and I'm in tears by the time I get back into the car.

I ordered some Lithops. They haven't arrived yet. Waiting.....will share pictures when they arrive.

Hubby needs to visit his family next year. His brothers will try to meet up with him for a big family get together. He hasn't seen his older brother in 10 years and his parents and middle brother since 2014. Hubby has been working overtime and packing away the savings, both for his trip and for a down payment on something next year.

"Something next year".....not sure....condo, duplex, small single family. Houses are darn expensive up here. Example, my daughter in Indiana is trying to sell her house. She and her hubby did a total upgrade, everything is move-in perfect, and it has an acre of land. It is $50,000 cheaper than anything comparable up here.

Back to my computer...going through my pictures, making sure I have them all backed up. I am so sad now. There is no "getting over" or "letting go" of my daughter, only learning to live with the loss. It still hurts like hell.

I have been told so many different things by different people. I have had a few (very few) unusual, or if I may say so, spiritual experiences. I don't like to talk about them much. Maybe another time. One was when my dad died. I talked to a minister. He poo pooed my experience as emotional stress and basically hogwash. Some years later a different minister thought it was God's way of calling me into the Church. I have been told that my deceased loved ones sleep until the Resurrection. I have been told they live in a parallel Universe. I have been told their spirit lives in my heart. I have been told they watch over me and are aware of me grieving for them. I have had things happen that nobody ever told me would happen, but when I investigated, found out others had similar experiences. At least amidst all this conflict my husband has been the one understanding and supporting person I can rely on. Oh, and my older daughter, if it wasn't for her and my husband I might not have made it through the first month, or at least it felt like it.

I think my hands are done with this keyboard for today. My computer is backed up. We want to open it and clean it before I format and reinstall.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Gone Too Long

I haven't felt like writing much. Must be the shorter days, the gloomy weather, the loneliness of missing my daughter, and maybe my thyroid is low again. I've been feeling chilled and tired. Or maybe it's depression. Heck, who knows.

My dear hubby has been working all the overtime he can get. That makes for a lot of 12 hour shifts. He has goals, we have goals. When he's off he takes me for coffee or shopping. Today the driver's side door handle broke off. We already had to replace the rear one last winter. I called the repair shop. Everything is on file, so it was easy for them to order another. It gets repaired on Tuesday. Until then we need to open the driver side door from the passenger side. Oh fun.

I've taken some nice pictures of the fall leaves. One afternoon as hubby and I were walking in West Bend I asked him how to say "leaf" in Albanian. Apparently there is more than one name, but "fletë" was my favorite (fletë rhymes with bet, sort of, and a little bit with plate...it's the accent).

"Fletë," I said, "Look at all the fletës!"

Immediately we both laughed. "I can't put an "s" on it in Albanian, can I?" I asked.

"No," hubby answered, amused.

"So...how to I say leaves?"


One of these days I need to ask how to say the whole sentence.

Sometimes I can get him to talk in German. He is fluent. German cracks me up. It's so commanding.


Friday, October 6, 2017

A Poem

Yesterday I wrote a poem, placed it on a stock photo from my graphics program, and shared it. In case I ever need evidence that I wrote it, here is the poem, written by me.

Cloudy days and Autumn leaves
Take me back in time
I imagine we are walking,
Laughing all the time
Let me stay here in denial
And pretend you are alive
I'll be OK, I need to dream
Just for a little while.

Remembering Christine by Candy (Last name)

Apparently it has touched a lot of hearts in the grief support group I belong to, and people are asking to share it. I said yes, just give me credit.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Staying Here for Now

The job in Ixonia was bad. 13 hours, thirteen on a dusty roof in the sun with NO BREAK and NO LUNCH. (He did have water with him)

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

A Few Updates

I've been spending most of my time on Facebook. I guess the one thing I like about a blog is that I can actually go back and find the posts, whereas things tend to "disappear" over time on Facebook.. Today I will give you some updates.

I got my new Lithops in the mail. They came bare root. They also came with names! Left to right: Lithops Lesliei Albinicia, Lithops fulviceps aurea, and Lithops julii fulleri

Here they are potted up.

Lithops fulviceps aurea and Lithops Lesliei Albinicia

 Lithops julii fulleri

I also found the names of my other Lithops. The reddish brown ones are Lithops bromfieldii and the gray-green one to the far right is Lithops salicola.

So now onto other news. I have been giving away my duplicates in anticipation of winter. I have made three new collectors happy with a modest gift to each. My winter plans were the same as last year, the inside plants stay inside and the outside plants go into the basement. However, this might need to change.

My hubby has been job searching for some time because the company he works for pays low. The problem is Hartford is a metal fabricating town, and my hubby has no experience with metals, or machine shops. The other problem is companies are not willing to train. He could have picked up one of two other types of work, but neither offered benefits nor enough overtime to compensate for the only slightly higher wages with no benefits.

As it turned out, one of my hubby's friends from work found a job in another town, about an hour away, with good pay, benefits and overtime, and they guy is still hiring. The boss offered to let my hubby work for him on his days off from his current job, to make sure he likes it. If all goes well, then I think we will be moving to Watertown. 

Watertown is bigger than Hartford, about the same as West Bend. I'm not attached to Hartford, but I'm settled. I have a decent neighbor and some plants in pots outside which I was planning to winter over in the well-lit basement. We were planning to stay here until next year and then buy a condo in Hartford. With the new, pending plans, I probably won't have a place to overwinter the outside plants, meaning I will need to AGAIN leave collections behind, or re-home them. 

I have been looking at apartments online. Ixonia (where the job is located) has three complexes with no vacancies. Of course, that could change. Two of them look nice, but when there are no vacancies, there are often no prices posted. Watertown is eight miles west and has quite a few apartments and a portion of them look nice, but very few have patios or balconies. 

So, I guess the best thing to do is try not to get stressed and start packing. Besides, how could I miss out living in a place named Watertown (even though there are a dozen Watertowns in the US), or even Ixonia.

Bruce Hornsby, The Range ~ "Every Little Kiss" 

"Way out here, working on the docks
Everyone sees the long day through
Well, what would I do without the nights and the phone
And the chance just to talk to you

Whoa, what would I do now
Hey, just to talk to you
A thousand miles away, hey hey

What I wouldn't give for only one night
A little relief in sight
Someday when times weren't so tight

When the day goes down on water town
When the sun sinks low all around
That's when I know I, I need you now
Yes, you're what I miss, every little kiss
Every little one, every little one

Everybody here's a number, not a name
But I guess it's all right with me
As I sit alone, after a long day
In the absence of company

Whoa, I let my mind wander
A thousand miles away hey hey

What I wouldn't give for only one night
A little relief in sight
Someday when times weren't so tight

When the day goes down on water town
When the sun sinks low all around
That's when I know I, I need you now
Yes, you're what I miss, every little kiss
Every little one, every little one

What I wouldn't give for only one night
A little relief in sight
Someday when times weren't so tight
When the day goes down on water town
When the sun sinks low all around
That's when I know I, I need you now
Yes you're what I miss, every little kiss
Every little one, every little one

What I wouldn't give for only one night
A little relief in sight
Someday when times weren't so tight

When the day goes down on water town
When the sun sinks low all around
That's when I know I, I need you now
Yes, you're what I miss, every little kiss
Every little one, every little one."

Saturday, September 9, 2017


My plants are good therapy for me. I have collected a few more Haworthia and just ordered 3 new Lithops. In case you aren't familiar with them, here are some pictures and links. In my last post I showed you my two new Haworthia that I bought at Aldi. Here are all my Haworthia plants together.

And I promised a picture showing the windows on the leaves. This is Haworthia "Grey Ghost".

I also enjoy Mimicry plants. Here are my Living Stones (Lithops) and two others, Titanopsis calcareum and Aloinopsis luckhoffii

A closer view of the red Lithops, with gathered pebbles from Lake Michigan

Here are some Lithops I lost a few years ago. I made the mistake of watering them. Some people do water them, but it must be at the right time and they must be in super fast draining soil. The green one with the circle around it is one I just ordered online, because I love the green and always wanted it back. The Lithops in the clay pot lived for several years and multiplied into 4 bodies with just an occasional misting. They died when I watered them.

Update on the succulents next time.